Weekend Coupon: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert & Eat24

We need your support

stephen

Do you accept bribes? Good. Keep reading. So Stephen Colbert is taking over for David Letterman. The bad news is we didn’t get the host job. The good news is he’s gonna need a sidekick… and we’re perfect for it! Think about it: we can tell jokes (What do you call a redheaded guy who works at a bakery? A ginger bread man), we have experience making Top Ten Lists (mostly about burrito fillings but whatever), and we’re willing to ask celebrities tough questions (Hey, Beyonce… Are you going to finish that muffin?)

See? Nailed it. So if you want to make “The Late Show with Colbert and Eat24” happen, spread the word! We love you, and we’re not above bribing you. Enter this code at checkout to save a little guacamole* on your order this weekend.

Coupon Code:

cohost24

Hungry? Get Delivery

 

Want another coupon? We got your back. Just tweet this and we’ll love you back with a bonus code: “Congrats @StephenAtHome! I vote @Eat24 to be the chicas to your Esteban #Eat24ForCohost

You’re the fried egg on our burger.

Bon appetit,

Eat24

*Hey BTW: Taxes. They’re due in a few short days and our only hope at this point is a snow day or a presidential pardon or a miracle involving someone somewhere deleting a form that causes an error and gives us an extension. All we’re saying is, between the adding and subtracting and trying to figure out whether we can claim our stomach as a dependent, we’re doing a lot of stress eating. Mostly wings, if you’re wondering…which means our house is covered in 1099s and W-2s that we spilled barbeque sauce on (we can write that off as a capital gains loss, right?). Anyway, Fine Print: You have to be an Eat24 member to use this $2 code (but signing up is easier than referencing table 12c on page 79). Also, you can’t just deduct a churro and get a full refund. You must complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Credit Card, PayPal, or Google Wallet to use our coupon. Finally, the code can only be used once and will expire on Sunday the 13th of April at 11:59 PM PST. Well, that’s it for this week. Now if you’ll kindly excuse us we’ve got 99 problems and all of them are related to tax liability.

Weekend Coupon: Amazon Wishlist

You guys are so sweet

 

cbhat

You guys! We’re so flattered. Lately we’ve been getting lots of emails from customers saying stuff like, “Hey Eat24. You’re always giving out coupons, making delicious food happen, and randomly tweeting at me to say my hair looks good today. How can I thank you?” And then we respond, “No thanks needed. Feeding you is the best present (plus, it’s hard for apps to open gifts cuz they don’t have arms).”

But you keep asking and asking, demanding to send us presents. You’re so sweet! OK, if you insist, we made an Amazon Wish List.

Speaking of giving, here’s a coupon for a little extra frosting* on your cupcake this weekend.

Coupon Code:

give24

 

Hungry? Get Delivery

 

Need another coupon? Tweet this and we’ll love you back with a bonus code: “If I could put @Eat24 on my @Amazon Wish List, I would. #hungry”

You’re the Oreo in our cheesecake.

Bon appetit,

Eat24

*Seriously, your hair really does look amazing today, and we’re not just saying that. Maybe you don’t know this, but you’re pretty much our favorite customer. Every time you order, we’re all like YAAASSSS. Then we do shots of chocolate milk while dancing to “Happy” and at the end of the song everyone does a slow-mo high five (and it’s always a good high five, never the awkward kind when one person tries to fist bump). Sorry, is it weird to have an app crushing on you like this? Does it really surprise you though? Are we asking too many questions? Ok, on to the Fine (Extra Fine for you, baby) Print. You have to be an Eat24 member to use this $2 code (but signing up is easier than pulling off that magenta Snuggie you were eyeing). Also, you can’t just bat your eyelashes and order some sweet potato fries. You must complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Credit Card, PayPal, or Google Wallet to use our coupon. Finally, the code can only be used once and will expire on Sunday the 6th of April at 11:59 PST. Alright, we’ll let you go. But if you’re feeling the same chemistry we’re feeling, meet us on the couch sometime this weekend. We know it’s more romantic to meet at a bridge but we don’t want the wind to mess up your hair.

 

 

A Breakup Letter to Facebook from Eat24

Dear Facebook,

Hey. It’s Eat24. Look, we need to talk. This isn’t easy to say since we’ve been together so long, but we need to break up.  We’d love to say “It’s not you, it’s us” but it’s totally you. Not to be rude, but you aren’t the smart, funny social network we fell in love with several years back. You’ve changed. A lot.

When we first met, you made us feel special. We’d tell you a super funny joke about Sriracha and you’d tell all our friends and then everyone would laugh together. But now? Now you want us to give you money if we want to talk to our friends. Now when we show you a photo of a taco wrapped with bacon, you’re all like “PROMOTE THIS POST! GET MORE FRIENDS!” instead of just liking us for who we are. That’s hella messed up.

how-dare-u

Don’t mess with us when we’re hangry.

To be honest, lots of our friends warned us about you (not to name names but to definitely name names: Forbes, Fast Company, Wall Street Journal). But we ignored them and trusted you because we loved you. Now we find ourselves questioning our entire relationship.

So we Googled you (nothing too creepy, just some light research) and found out you’re doing this because of a new algorithm that decides what people want to see in their news feeds. If that’s true, that means your algorithm is saying most of our friends don’t care about sushi porn, that they aren’t interested in hearing our deepest thoughts about pizza toppings. Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? You know that all those people clicked ‘Like’ on our page because it’s full of provocatively posed burritos and cheese puns, right?

churro

Are we making you horngry, baby? (Image credit and best name ever goes to:Chica Chocolatina)

But we loved you, Facebook, so we tried to understand you and your algorithm. As far as we could tell though, it involves the words ‘affinity’ and ‘time decay.’ There also might be a Greek letter in there somewhere but we’re not sure cuz we got bored and ordered a panini. Look Facebook, all we’re saying is that we wanted to share a joke about chicken wings, not ponder astrophysics.

confused-cats

WAT.

Truth be told, your actions make us feel like you don’t respect us. Maybe you think our food-related pick-up lines and sexy tater tots memes come out of nowhere, but we spend a lot of time trying to make people happy. Seriously, we dedicate at least an hour a day to finding a word that rhymes with Havarti because we want to write the first-ever cheese Sonnet.

All we do is give, and all you do is take. We give you text posts, delicious food photos, coupons, restaurant recommendations… and what do you do in return? You take them and you hide them from all our friends. Maybe you steal our random musings about pork buns and claim them as your own. Guess we’ll never know.

pipie

Let’s be honest, the only formula we’ve ever cared about is Pie.

Even if we could figure out your mysterious, all-knowing algorithm, it’s constantly changing, so what works today might not work tomorrow. Posting something that most of our friends see is like biting into a burrito and actually getting all seven layers…never gonna happen. The point is, you’re wasting our time and cock-blocking food porn from our friends. Not cool, Facebook, not cool.

But the bigger picture issue is that we can’t trust you. You lied to us and said you were a social network but you’re totally not a social network. At least not anymore. When we log in to Facebook, we want to see what Aunt Judy is doing next weekend (hopefully baking us cupcakes) and read hilarious headlines from The Onion and see pictures of a cat who got his head stuck in the couch cushions. Instead, we get this:

adsfb

Go away. For reals.

It makes us think all you care about is money. Why should we have to wade through a dozen promoted posts about how to lose belly fat (are you trying to tell us something?) and requests for Candy Crush (NO! Just no.) and suggesting we like our arch nemesis’ page (seriously, WTF) before we can finally find the perfect Doge meme, It really seems like you’ve lost your way and have become nothing more than an ad platform.

Yeah, you’re right. We made mistakes too. We actually paid for some of those annoying promoted posts. You were all like, “Dude, you gotta try out promoted posts, It’ll help you make more friends and then more people can enjoy your LOLZ.” So we tried it because we loved you. Also, YOLO.

pepe-thumbs-up

According to Facebook, we are cool and hip.

And it’s true, we got a ton of new likes on our page. Look at all these new friends, we thought. There’s a guy in Houston, and this guy in… Bangladesh? And this girl in… Dubai? WTF Facebook!? When we said “we want to take over the world with taquitos” it was mostly a metaphor (also it was 4:20 at the time). Well, we really do want to feed the whole world one day, but right now we’re only in the U.S., so even though we love our new international friends, we’d prefer not to piss them off by showing them a photo of a delicious calzone that they can’t even order. Why did you think we wanted friends we can’t actually feed? That makes about as much sense as getting a pepperoni pizza and only one slice has pepperoni on it.

pizzapep

Food analogies are the only thing that makes sense to us.

And don’t you dare play mind games and say we’re being crazy. We aren’t the only ones who feel this way. Check out this little video the fine folks at Veritasium made that puts a bit more insight into these “likes.”

Honestly, we’re kinda hurt that you’ve changed so much. We hardly recognize you with all the facelifts you had. Take a look back. You’ve changed your look more times than Madonna. Seriously. It’s not that we don’t like change, it’s just super annoying that you decide to increase banner dimensions by 5 pixels for no reason.

Real talk, if we had to choose between making 142 different size banners to conform to whatever you’re feeling that particular week, or lie on the couch and think about fried sushi rolls, we’re always going with sushi. Just saying, but maybe you could take a lesson from this amazing webpage for the Space Jam movie. The website hasn’t changed since 1996 and it’s AMAZING.

spacejam

Best. Website. Ever.

What? You don’t like being compared to an older, more distinguished website? Fine. Let’s talk about your peers. Not to hit below the belt, but we have a lot more fun when we hang out with Twitter and Instagram. They don’t have weird algorithms, which means all of our besties get to see everything we post. You might have noticed that when Ellen decided to take a selfie of beautiful people being beautiful, she did it on Twitter. And she got so many RTs, she broke it. The whole site went down. When was the last time you got that much action?

ellentwitter

#TwitterForever

So that’s it. We’re done. All you’re left with are some single-serve freezer meals. Us? We can eat a whole pizza by ourselves so we aren’t even worried about that. We’ll pack our things and be gone by 11:59pm on Monday night. Yes, you read that right. Eat24, the company that is always telling customers to Like our page, post on our wall, and ask us for coupons on Facebook… is deleting its Facebook. This is real.

Will anyone miss it? Will anyone even know it’s gone?

darth

Confession: Darth Vader is our father.

Who knows what’ll happen between now and Monday. Maybe so many of our friends will write on our wall to say goodbye that your API will break. Ok, we don’t actually know what an API is or if it can break but something might crash or have an error or make the mouse do that pinwheel thing. So have a nice life and good luck playing Words With Friends alone.

P.S. If you are reading this and your name isn’t Facebook, and you are in fact one of our beautiful hungry customers – WE STILL LOVE YOU and we’re giving you a chance to say goodbye. Any last words? Since we’re deleting the whole thing on Monday at 11:59 PM, you can say pretty much whatever you want. Confess your love of brussel sprouts, admit that you still suck your thumb, reveal your celebrity crush. We’ll never tell. Say goodbye to Eat24’s Facebook.

P.P.S.S. If you are reading this and you’re hungry, luckily our app isn’t powered by social media or even blogs. We’d love to help you make food happen. Get the Eat24 app and summon egg rolls to your couch.

Eat24 Trolled By Its Own Customers

Hungry People Tell the Dirtiest Jokes

All we wanted was to make the collective mouth of the Internet even happier. Let’s find out what the people want, we thought. Operation: Butt Groove needs some scientific data to improve its efficiencies…or something. So we made a super serious survey and asked a few hundred customers to fill it out. Innocent enough, right? Wrong!

serious

Eat24 is actually a cat. A serious cat.

Turns out, the comment box at the end of the survey was too much for you guys to handle. Maybe we’re naive, but we were expecting something along the lines of “My ’hood needs more deep fried cheeseburger options!” or “Please create a taco teleporter ASAP.” But no. What did we get? Dirty jokes. Tons and tons of dirty jokes.

Here’s a breakdown of what we got:

piechart

We made a pie chart of your responses. Because pie.

Or if you’re more into word clouds:

dickmouth

Perverted Word Cloud is perverted.

Reading through all the dirty jokes, we felt so many things: surprise, amazement, confusion, awe…but mostly we laughed. In fact, we laughed so hard the developers came over and shut our office door. And while some of the jokes are actually too dirty to share (we advertised on porn sites, so that’s saying something), we’ve managed to put together the top dirty jokes you sent us. Enjoy.

1. If the dove is the bird of peace, then the bird of love is the swallow  -Matt B.

nachos

The less well-known but arguably more awesome Bird of Nachos.

2. A husband and a wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because the on screen reply says, “Error.  Not long enough.”  -Sophia N.

dickpassword

We probably shouldn’t have shown you our password to everything, huh?

3. There once was a plumber named Lee who was plumbing his girl by the sea  Said the girl, “Stop your plumbing!  I hear someone coming!”  Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me.” -Maria R.

Bacon Romance

Another fun thing to do at the sea is to get a piggy back ride from bacon.

4. A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.  ”What are you doing?” he asks.  ”Warming up your dinner.” -Daniel A.

sexydinner

Dinner just got a whole lot sexier.

5. Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn’t reach. -Gina S.

grandma

Eat24 discovers the Internet

 

Oh, and then there was the guy who pasted the entire Star Wars screenplay into the box.

starwars

Anyway, we’re pretty sure all these pervy jokes can only mean one thing: An increase in hunger creates an increase in perversion. Here, try it out real quick.  Look at the picture below and say the first thing that comes to mind.

fluffypenispup

If you answered anything other than “A fluffy little dog,” you might need a burrito.

TL;DR We <3 our job, we <3 the Internet, and we <3 all of you.

 

Weekend Coupon: Big Bang

#Science

cheeseburgerbang

Before we get to the coupon code… BIG NEWS. We had the craziest chat with Science this week. Check it out:

Eat24: Hey
Science: YOLO
Eat24: SWAG. What’s new?
Science: Not much. Just discovered where the universe came from.
Eat24: Cool. Any progress on Live-Streaming Tacos?
Science: No.
Eat24: Oh. How about hoverboards?
Science: …
Eat24: You still there?
[Science signed out of chat]

Anyway, not sure if it was something we said, but until Science answers the REAL oldest and most important question (Which came first, the chicken or the wing?), use this coupon code to explode some money molecules* off your Eat24 order this weekend.

Coupon Code:

bigbang24

 

Hungry? Get Delivery

 

Need another coupon? We’re not gonna make you do any hip cool social media BS this week. If you’re an Android user, read the Fine Print. If you’re not an Android user, don’t worry. We got something special for you next week.

You’re the Fine in our Fine Print.

Bon appetit,

Eat24

*Oh, by the way… Uncle Google (‘Googs’ to us) came over recently and gave us a present (No, not a whole bunch of those fancy face computers, though that would have been cool. We know you’re reading this, Googs, so feel free to send some over). Actually, Google got something for you. Yes you. Google Wallet users get $6 off your Eat24 order (one-time use for first time users only) when you use Google Wallet to pay for your food on the Eat24 Android app from now until 11:59 PM on 3/31/14. Not a Google Wallet user? That’s OK. We still love you, and our regular weekly coupon is good for $2 off your order of $10 or more on Eat24.com or any of the Eat24 apps (including Atari 2600) when you pay with Credit Card, PayPal, or Google Wallet. Kind of like the actual Big Bang, our coupon is one-time use, and will explode on 3/23/14 at 11:59 PM (Which will expand into an inconceivably vast cosmos of coupon codes landing in your inbox every weekend from now until forever). OK, all done with the Fine Print. You go order some food, and we’re gonna go hang out with Uncle Googs. He’s our favorite because he always remembers really crucial information like the lyrics to “Africa” by Toto, the best way to dry your socks in the toaster, and the name of that one chick from that one TV show we used to watch.

 

Let Uncle Google Buy You Onion Rings

You know your cool uncle who isn’t really your uncle but you call him that cuz he’s like family? For us, that’s our Uncle Google. He’s our favorite because he always remembers the name of the chick from that TV show you used to watch. Plus, he can help get a wine stain out of your roommate’s couch using simple household ingredients before anyone notices it.

google

Uncle Google has a lot of life advice.

Anyway, our Uncle Google (‘Googs’ to us) came to town recently and brought us something awesome. No, he didn’t give us a whole bunch of those fancy face computers so we could image search cheeseburgers in between bites of real cheeseburgers…though that would have been kinda cool (we know you’re reading this, Googs, so feel free to send some over). Actually, Google left something for you. Yes, you.

 

Spoiler Alert: You get $6 off your order, and all you have to do is pay with Google Wallet. Just select ‘Google Wallet’ as the payment option on your Android phone when you check-out. Bam! $6 off. It can’t get much simpler than that.

 Anyway, it’s pretty nice of Google to help everyone out like this.  It’s definitely not everyday that one of the biggest companies in the world encourages you to take off your pants and kick back with some free noms. Sure, they’ll probably deny that’s why they’re doing this, but the truth is out there and it isn’t wearing pants.

TL;DR, Let Google finance your No Pants lifestyle.

Weekend Coupon: Recipe For Lazy

This one is top-rated

kittydream

Hungry? Good. Normally we don’t do this, but we’d like to share our favorite recipe with you this weekend. Hey, wait! Where are you going? Hear us out. Ready? OK:

- 2 cups Netflix
- 4 Tbs butt-groove
- ½ cup cat videos
- 0 pants
- 1 coupon*

Combine ingredients on couch and enjoy. Ready in approximately zero minutes.

Coupon Code:

recipe24

 

Hungry? Get Delivery

 

Need another coupon? Sure thing. Just tweet this and we’ll love you back with a bonus code: “The @Eat24 app is the only cooking utensil I need. Sorry @MarthaStewart”. Don’t do Twitter? No worries. Just post it on our Facebook wall.

You’re the footies to our pajamas.

Bon appetit,

Eat24

*Listen, we’re not saying you shouldn’t ever cook. We’re just saying kitchens can’t be trusted. When was the last time you heard about someone getting hurt on the couch? Try never. That’s because you sit on the couch, it doesn’t sit on you. But kitchens? Kitchens are constantly trying to set you on fire and julienne your fingers. Anyway, about the Fine Print: You have to be an Eat24 member to use this $2 code (but signing up is easier than figuring out how much a pinch of salt is). Also, don’t just get a side of Au Jus and call it a day. You must complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Credit Card, PayPal, or Google Wallet to use our coupon. Finally, the code can only be used once and will expire on Sunday the 16th of March at 11:59 PST. Thank you for listening. We know it’s not super cool to have an app lecture you, but we just want you to have real information. We know you’ll make the right decision.

 

Customers React to Eat24’s Bear Dick Apology

So, did we ever tell you about that one time we accidentally showed a bear penis on TV, felt bad about it, and then sent an apology because even though we totally didn’t do it on purpose, we knew bear penis wasn’t exactly appetizing. Good times, right?

hawkward

Little did we realize that would only be the beginning. Between tweets, emails, and YouTube comments we got hundreds and hundreds of responses about the extra special guest in our commercial. Who knew Eat24 customers had so much to say about bear genitals?

For starters, there were a lot of people who were outraged:

incensed

nopantsbear

pervertslookforbeardick

asabeariamoffended

Other people, however, saw the D and felt nothing but love. We’re pretty sure it’s the only time in the history of marketing that an animal’s junk resulted in brand loyalty. But hey, whatever works.

hugamarketer

Eat24 Bear Dick reaction

imstonedc

Turns out that us talking about bear penis proved an excellent opportunity for people to let their love of bears be known. By the way, we’d like to go on the record in support of these people cuz bears are friggin’ awesome.

sausagepizza

morebeardick1

somelovebearpenis

Finally, there were quite a few people who saw the bear’s nether regions and felt inspired, not unlike the way a beautiful sunset would inspire a poet.

rangoons
naughtyparts

couponbdick

All in all, our Nip Slip situation ended pretty well given the circumstances. Seriously, can we just say a huge thanks to all of you for showing so much love to an app who accidentally showed you a bear’s dick? You guys are the best for realsies.

Weekend Coupon: We broke Tinder

Tacos need love too

tacomouth

So we broke Tinder. Not sure what happened. All we wanted to do was find happiness for all the cheeseburgers in the world just waiting for the right mouth to come along. Garlic fries longing for a hug. Wonton soup in need of a good spoon. Then one thing led to another, and now we’re locked out of our account. OK, we know what you’re thinking, “YOU’RE ON TINDER? HOW COULD YOU EAT24, I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL.” Baby, let us explain!

Lately we’ve been thinking about other people. No. Not like that. Other people, like… You know, the ones who love food and hate putting on pants, but don’t know about Eat24 yet (because they live under a rock maybe). Don’t those people deserve love* too?

Maybe Tinder doesn’t want to hook your friends up with a BLT, but you can. Tell them about us. Then tell them to enter this code at checkout to add some extra spice** to date night this weekend.

Coupon Code:

swipe24

 

Hungry? Get Delivery

 

Want another coupon? Anything for you. Just tweet this and we’ll love you back with a bonus code: “I just right-swiped @Eat24 on @Tinder #truelove.” No Twitter? No worries. Post it on our Facebook wall.

You’re the apple cinnamon in our empanadas.

Bon appetit,

Eat24

*Tacos delivered to their couch.
**Look, it’s hard out here for a carefree app just looking to get into a threesome with burrito and pizza (A pizzarrito? Yes, please and thank you). So we’d like to go ahead and try out a few of our favorite pick up lines on you before we get to all that legal mumbo jumbo (Don’t worry lawyers, we’ll get there). K, now pretend you’re a hot piece of enchilada and try this on for size. “You must be a spicy dish because you’re making my heart burn.” No? OK. Let’s say you’re a cookie just asking to be dunked in some milk. “Do you have any raisins? Cuz I could use a date.” Nothing? Fine. Imagine you’re a delicious Vietnamese noodle soup and we rolled up in the joint and were all, “Hey girrrrl, let us holla at you and give you a night you won’t pho-get!” Booya. Nailed it. While we wait to collect all of your phone numbers, let’s get to this Fine Print (See, told ya law peeps): You have to be an Eat24 member to use this $2 code (but signing up is easier than making small talk with your Waldorf salad). Also, don’t just order a single-and-looking-to-mingle chicken wing. You must complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Credit Card, PayPal, or Google Wallet to use our coupon. Finally the code can only be used once and will expire on Sunday the 9th of March at 11:59 PST. Now if you excuse us there’s a delicious plate of carne asada over there that’s looking real lonely. P.S. If you want to read more about our adventures on Tinder, here you go.

Eat24 Broke Tinder

Yeah, so… we broke Tinder. Not sure what happened. All we wanted to do was find happiness for all the egg rolls in the world just waiting for the right mouth to come along. Then one thing led to another, and now we’re locked out of our account. OK, we know what you’re thinking, “YOU’RE ON TINDER? HOW COULD YOU EAT24, I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL.” Baby, let us explain!

How does it feel to be in a relationship with an app that doesn’t judge when you order cake for dinner? Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah. But bae, even though we’re drunk in food love with you, lately we’ve been thinking about other people. No! Not like that! Other people like… You know, the ones who wear pants and don’t know dinner is only a few clicks away. Don’t those people deserve love* too?
*Tacos delivered to their couch

foodfailfire

How the other half lives, food fail style.

It’s pretty upsetting to think about all the people who don’t know about Eat24 (living under a rock, possibly) wasting all those hours shopping and cooking and not getting hours deep into a House of Cards binge. We had to do something. We HAD too. Right? See, we knew you’d understand (that’s why we love you). So we gathered our sexiest photos and went in search of lonely stomachs on Tinder.

photostinder

Taken at Glamour Shots, obviously

To be honest, we were a little worried people would tell us to choke on a burrito. Within a few minutes though, we were getting matched with a whole lotta people who saw our tacos and wanted to have a little sexy talk about them.

foundthetacomouth

This is totally not double entendre.

 

meatloversmatch

Real love is based on pizza.

It wasn’t all flirting though. We also had some extremely meaningful conversations. In fact, we talked with our new friends about everything under the sun from bacon to how awesome not wearing pants is to bacon. It was all pretty exciting and we’re not ashamed to admit we’re still glowing a bit from the emotional connections we built.

baconantichrist

Turn up for bacon

nopantsfuture

We’re disrupting the pants industry.

baconmatch

Bacon love lasts forever.

Naturally, we also instigated some late night foodie calls.

samenithedark

A tasty burger can be just as satisfying as a relationship.

Then, it turned out that one of our matches actually already knew us rather, um, intimately cuz he totally saw our bear penis.

bearpenistinder

Tragically, he never showed us the D.

Everything was going great until our account mysteriously stopped working. Maybe it was the sexy banter, maybe we’d crossed the line by showing everyone our tacos, or maybe just maybe it was the mention of bear penis. Whatever the case, it was great to make so many new friends, and even better to know those friends were now a little more free– free to order delivery from a restaurant one block away and not feel guilty, free to remove their pants, and free to live the dream of never leaving the couch.