Eat24 Receives Honorary Weed Strain for 4/20

OK. It’s official. As Ice Cube would say, “Gotta say today was a good day.” One minute we’re a kick ass food delivery app and the next minute we’re a kick ass food delivery app that has its own strain of weed. Yes, you read that correctly and we know what you’re thinking – where can I get it and how many appetizer platters am I going to need?

flatteredspongebob

About how we feel right now.

Here’s what happened: The wonderful folks at Vapor Room recently came to meet with us because they wanted to find the perfect pizza to complement a new strain of weed. Vapor Room (if you’ve never heard of them before) is a medicinal marijuana dispensary that delivers 1/8th packages of happiness right to people’s doors.

They said they loved our app. “It couldn’t be any easier to get a pizza or some sushi delivered,” They said. “Or maybe pizza and sushi if you’ve really got the munchies.” It warmed our app-shaped heart to hear such nice things. Also, it made us want some pizza and sushi.

psychadelicpizza

Stare at it long enough and you’ll see a plate of nachos too.

See, some of Vapor Room’s clients tended to be “forgetful,” which made them huge fans of our Re-Order button. Apparently, they used to spend hours (or maybe 10 minutes… sometimes it’s hard to tell how long it’s been) trying to remember that super delicious thing they ordered last week. But with the app? You just tap the Re-order button and BOOM! Munchies are on the way.

Needless to say, we were really glad to have met our new besties at Vapor Room. A couple foot massages and bacon stuffed quesadillas later, they surprised us with the highest honor a food delivery app could ask for: They wanted to name a strain of weed after us. We’re pretty sure that’s, like, the stoner equivalent of having a park bench named after you.

parkbench

1,000,000 times cooler than this.

Anyway, we’re going for it because sometimes we worry about our 4/20 friends eating Flamin’ Hot chip crumbs and multiple packs of ramen in a moment of munchie-induced panic. That’s totally not a proper dinner you guys.

foodfailsausage

Come on people.

The only thing left for us to do is come up with an awesome name for our strain. Which means we need your help, guys. Smoke24? Eat24-gasm? Eat24 OG (Original Guacamole)? If you have any ideas leave them in the comments. Other acceptable comments include: Burger topping recommendations, things to put bacon in, and/or ideas for new fusion foods involving liquid cheese.

A Breakup Letter to Facebook from Eat24

Dear Facebook,

Hey. It’s Eat24. Look, we need to talk. This isn’t easy to say since we’ve been together so long, but we need to break up.  We’d love to say “It’s not you, it’s us” but it’s totally you. Not to be rude, but you aren’t the smart, funny social network we fell in love with several years back. You’ve changed. A lot.

When we first met, you made us feel special. We’d tell you a super funny joke about Sriracha and you’d tell all our friends and then everyone would laugh together. But now? Now you want us to give you money if we want to talk to our friends. Now when we show you a photo of a taco wrapped with bacon, you’re all like “PROMOTE THIS POST! GET MORE FRIENDS!” instead of just liking us for who we are. That’s hella messed up.

how-dare-u

Don’t mess with us when we’re hangry.

To be honest, lots of our friends warned us about you (not to name names but to definitely name names: Forbes, Fast Company, Wall Street Journal). But we ignored them and trusted you because we loved you. Now we find ourselves questioning our entire relationship.

So we Googled you (nothing too creepy, just some light research) and found out you’re doing this because of a new algorithm that decides what people want to see in their news feeds. If that’s true, that means your algorithm is saying most of our friends don’t care about sushi porn, that they aren’t interested in hearing our deepest thoughts about pizza toppings. Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? You know that all those people clicked ‘Like’ on our page because it’s full of provocatively posed burritos and cheese puns, right?

churro

Are we making you horngry, baby? (Image credit and best name ever goes to:Chica Chocolatina)

But we loved you, Facebook, so we tried to understand you and your algorithm. As far as we could tell though, it involves the words ‘affinity’ and ‘time decay.’ There also might be a Greek letter in there somewhere but we’re not sure cuz we got bored and ordered a panini. Look Facebook, all we’re saying is that we wanted to share a joke about chicken wings, not ponder astrophysics.

confused-cats

WAT.

Truth be told, your actions make us feel like you don’t respect us. Maybe you think our food-related pick-up lines and sexy tater tots memes come out of nowhere, but we spend a lot of time trying to make people happy. Seriously, we dedicate at least an hour a day to finding a word that rhymes with Havarti because we want to write the first-ever cheese Sonnet.

All we do is give, and all you do is take. We give you text posts, delicious food photos, coupons, restaurant recommendations… and what do you do in return? You take them and you hide them from all our friends. Maybe you steal our random musings about pork buns and claim them as your own. Guess we’ll never know.

pipie

Let’s be honest, the only formula we’ve ever cared about is Pie.

Even if we could figure out your mysterious, all-knowing algorithm, it’s constantly changing, so what works today might not work tomorrow. Posting something that most of our friends see is like biting into a burrito and actually getting all seven layers…never gonna happen. The point is, you’re wasting our time and cock-blocking food porn from our friends. Not cool, Facebook, not cool.

But the bigger picture issue is that we can’t trust you. You lied to us and said you were a social network but you’re totally not a social network. At least not anymore. When we log in to Facebook, we want to see what Aunt Judy is doing next weekend (hopefully baking us cupcakes) and read hilarious headlines from The Onion and see pictures of a cat who got his head stuck in the couch cushions. Instead, we get this:

adsfb

Go away. For reals.

It makes us think all you care about is money. Why should we have to wade through a dozen promoted posts about how to lose belly fat (are you trying to tell us something?) and requests for Candy Crush (NO! Just no.) and suggesting we like our arch nemesis’ page (seriously, WTF) before we can finally find the perfect Doge meme, It really seems like you’ve lost your way and have become nothing more than an ad platform.

Yeah, you’re right. We made mistakes too. We actually paid for some of those annoying promoted posts. You were all like, “Dude, you gotta try out promoted posts, It’ll help you make more friends and then more people can enjoy your LOLZ.” So we tried it because we loved you. Also, YOLO.

pepe-thumbs-up

According to Facebook, we are cool and hip.

And it’s true, we got a ton of new likes on our page. Look at all these new friends, we thought. There’s a guy in Houston, and this guy in… Bangladesh? And this girl in… Dubai? WTF Facebook!? When we said “we want to take over the world with taquitos” it was mostly a metaphor (also it was 4:20 at the time). Well, we really do want to feed the whole world one day, but right now we’re only in the U.S., so even though we love our new international friends, we’d prefer not to piss them off by showing them a photo of a delicious calzone that they can’t even order. Why did you think we wanted friends we can’t actually feed? That makes about as much sense as getting a pepperoni pizza and only one slice has pepperoni on it.

pizzapep

Food analogies are the only thing that makes sense to us.

And don’t you dare play mind games and say we’re being crazy. We aren’t the only ones who feel this way. Check out this little video the fine folks at Veritasium made that puts a bit more insight into these “likes.”

Honestly, we’re kinda hurt that you’ve changed so much. We hardly recognize you with all the facelifts you had. Take a look back. You’ve changed your look more times than Madonna. Seriously. It’s not that we don’t like change, it’s just super annoying that you decide to increase banner dimensions by 5 pixels for no reason.

Real talk, if we had to choose between making 142 different size banners to conform to whatever you’re feeling that particular week, or lie on the couch and think about fried sushi rolls, we’re always going with sushi. Just saying, but maybe you could take a lesson from this amazing webpage for the Space Jam movie. The website hasn’t changed since 1996 and it’s AMAZING.

spacejam

Best. Website. Ever.

What? You don’t like being compared to an older, more distinguished website? Fine. Let’s talk about your peers. Not to hit below the belt, but we have a lot more fun when we hang out with Twitter and Instagram. They don’t have weird algorithms, which means all of our besties get to see everything we post. You might have noticed that when Ellen decided to take a selfie of beautiful people being beautiful, she did it on Twitter. And she got so many RTs, she broke it. The whole site went down. When was the last time you got that much action?

ellentwitter

#TwitterForever

So that’s it. We’re done. All you’re left with are some single-serve freezer meals. Us? We can eat a whole pizza by ourselves so we aren’t even worried about that. We’ll pack our things and be gone by 11:59pm on Monday night. Yes, you read that right. Eat24, the company that is always telling customers to Like our page, post on our wall, and ask us for coupons on Facebook… is deleting its Facebook. This is real.

Will anyone miss it? Will anyone even know it’s gone?

darth

Confession: Darth Vader is our father.

Who knows what’ll happen between now and Monday. Maybe so many of our friends will write on our wall to say goodbye that your API will break. Ok, we don’t actually know what an API is or if it can break but something might crash or have an error or make the mouse do that pinwheel thing. So have a nice life and good luck playing Words With Friends alone.

P.S. If you are reading this and your name isn’t Facebook, and you are in fact one of our beautiful hungry customers – WE STILL LOVE YOU and we’re giving you a chance to say goodbye. Any last words? Since we’re deleting the whole thing on Monday at 11:59 PM, you can say pretty much whatever you want. Confess your love of brussel sprouts, admit that you still suck your thumb, reveal your celebrity crush. We’ll never tell. Say goodbye to Eat24’s Facebook.

P.P.S.S. If you are reading this and you’re hungry, luckily our app isn’t powered by social media or even blogs. We’d love to help you make food happen. Get the Eat24 app and summon egg rolls to your couch.

Top 10 Reasons 2013 Kicked Ass

This year was #$&%ing awesome, and we couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you for being hungry. Thank you for spreading the love. Thank you for being the best damn customers an app could ask for. If SportsCenter did an Eat24 Top 10 of 2013, it’d go something like this:

#10. We Moved

Eat24 Moving day

Our old office couldn’t fit all of your Sesame Chicken orders, so we moved to a bigger one.

#9. Google Didn’t Buy Us

Android Robot making it rain.

Thousands of companies such as Apple, Yahoo, Google and Doritos didn’t buy us.

#8. Total App Domination

Eat24 app

Eat24 became the first app ever to hit 50 billion downloads*

#7 Sauciness

Nugget dipping sauces.

We helped everyone discover their inner Secret Sauce Name

#6. Family Fun

food incest

Our brother and sister got married (to each other).

#5. BLT = Productivity

Cheeseburger profit growth chart

We threw a huge party and invited hungry offices to have free lunch on us with our new Shared Cart feature.

#4. Your Enjoy Face

Eat24_Splash

We asked ourselves, “Why use stock photo creepers when our app splash page can be filled with the faces of our gorgeous customers?” Thus, the Enjoy Face was born.

#3. Spreading the Love

Potsticker fantasy

We spread our love all over your TV, Pandora, and Spotify stations like peanut butter on a sandwich.

#2. Foodporn

Sushi

We learned how to advertise on a porn site.

#1. You

Eat24 - the food delivery app for sexy geniuses.

We continued to have the most kick ass customers in the whole entire world.

There you have it. Ten reasons that 2013 made all other years look like leftovers. Thanks to all of #NoPantsNation for always being hungry, beautiful, and of course, pantsless.

Now enter this code at checkout for a free champagne toast** with this weekend’s order.

Coupon Code:

eat2014

Place an Order Now!

You’re the bubbles in our bubbly.

Enjoy,

Eat24


*Data missing.
**And now we’re going to count down the Fine Print rules in order from least to most awesome. 10. This code is good for $2 off your Eat24 order. We wish it were good for $100, but we also wish to stay in business. 9. You must complete an order of $10 or more to use the coupon. When in doubt, just order extra churros. 8. The coupon code insists on only working with Credit Card, PayPal or Google Wallet. Hey, it may be a little demanding, but at least it gives you options. 7. The coupon is one-time use, because we aren’t made of burritos. 6. The code expires Sunday, the 29th of December at midnight PST, unlike our love for you, which goes on and on ‘til the break of dawn. 5. You can only use the coupon at restaurants that accept coupon codes, which is all 25,000 of them. 4. You have to be an Eat24 member to use the coupon (duh). 3. The code will only work if you order something delicious. 2. You must enter the code using only your left pinky. 1. We made up that last thing.

Weekend Coupon: Bwa Bwa Bwa Free Money Bwa Bwa

Charlie Brown dance party

From Charlie Brown’s Parents

Bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa Eat24 bwa bwa bwa weekly coupon bwa bwa bwa bwa free egg roll* bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa.

Coupon Code:

bwa24

Coupons expire but our love for you never does. Need another? Just ask us on Facebook or Twitter.

Hungry? Order now

Need another coupon? No prob. Tweet this and we’ll give you another code: “The true meaning of Christmas is bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa. Thanks #CharlieBrownChristmas and @Eat24” No Twitter? Post it on our Facebook wall.

You’re the blue on our security blanket,

Enjoy,
Eat24

‘Tis the season to say ‘tis instead of it’s. You know what else? Yes. Gingerbread everything. But also it’s time to buy a lot of presents for family, friends and total randos. Yay! Wait, what? You hate that? OK, well we’ll show you what we got for people on our list and maybe that’ll give you some inspiration. The Grinch did far less terrorizing this year, so we’re giving him a case of Who Pudding and a 24.5lb Roast Beast. And you know that giant clay frozen monster that terrorized Rudolph? Yeah, The Bumble. That guy. We got him free dental care and a year’s supply of ice cream cones to share with his BFF Charlie-in-the-Box. For our friend Ralphie, well we really went all out for him. Not only did we get him an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred-shot range model air rifle that shoots marshmallows, but we got him a lifetime supply of bacon flavored soap (just in case he lets another “S” word slip). While we debate whether Snow Miser or Heat Miser would enjoy this pair of argyle toe warmers, let’s get you right to the Fine Print:You have to be an Eat24 member to use this $2 code (but signing up is easier than sitting through Christmas with the Kranks). Coupons can only be used at restaurants that accept coupon codes (chill, there are over 25,000 nationwide, so you’re never ever too far from figgy pudding waffles for delivery). Also, don’t just order an elf-sized stocking stuffer worth of food. You must complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Credit Card, PayPal, or Google Wallet to use our brandy spiked coupon. Finally the code can only be used once and will expire on Sunday the 8th of December at midnight PST. And remember, for those who have been a little bit naughty this year, chains and whips pair well with lumps of coal.

Weekend Coupon: Let PayPal Buy You Dinner

Oops there go my pants.

No Pants Friday

Happy No Pants Friday! Wait, what? There’s something else going on today? Some kind of shopping thing? Oh. Weird. OK, well enjoy standing in line for one free Pink Party Yacht with purchase of 5 Barbie Dreamhouses. We’ll just be here in our bunny slippers playing Xbox.

Oh, and one more thing. Order food with the PayPal app (it’s got Eat24 inside) and get $10 off your order* this weekend. Yes, $10. Did we stutter? No. Has PayPal gone mad? Possibly. Or maybe they love us so much that they couldn’t resist giving us (and you) an early Christmas present (how do you gift wrap sushi?). So get the PayPal app and get Peking Duck delivered right to your tent in the mall parking lot, or pick up some Jalapeno Poppers on the way home. Either way, you’re saving $10 and generally kicking ass at life.

What, not enough savings for you? OK, fine. You’re really good at this couponing thing. Here’s a bonus code** from us just to say we’re sorry you had to put on pants today.

 

Coupon Code:

blackpants24

Coupons expire but our love for you never does. Need another? Just ask us on Facebook or Twitter.

Hungry? Order now

 

Coming back for thirds? If you’re a Family Guy fan, you already know what we’re about to say. So let’s get 1,000,000 people to tweet this and see what happens (spoiler alert: we’ll give you a coupon): “Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving @SethMacFarlane #UnkillBrian CC:@Eat24” No Twitter? Post it on our Facebook wall.

You’re the gravy we “accidentally” smothered all over our Thanksgiving plate.

Enjoy,
Eat24


*In light of the passing of one of the most beloved dogs in the history of caninetude, let’s take a moment to think about all the wonderful pets, real or fictional, that some two-bit hack job (love ya Seth ;) ) hasn’t decided to kill off to boost ratings. Of course there’s Odie, companion to our favorite cat (loves lasagna and hates Mondays? We’re in). There’s Pluto, with his uncanny ability to be lifted by some sort of witchcraft towards a cooling pie on a windowsill. And Scooby (we’ll kindly leave out the smaller Scrappier Doo for this), constantly hungry for “snacks” and hanging with his crunchy buddy Shaggy, who lives every :20 like it’s 4:20. And, of course, Porkchop, Doug’s faithful companion who also happens to be named after our third favorite pork product. Now while we contact the local animal shelter to rescue some of our forgotten beloved fictional dogs, let’s get to the Fine Print: You have to be an Eat24 member to use this $2 code (but signing up is easier than trying to understand what the hell Woodstock is actually telling Snoopy). Coupons can only be used at restaurants that accept coupon codes (chill, there are over 25,000 nationwide so you’re never far from delivery Scooby Snacks near you.). Also, don’t just get half a squeaky toy and call it a day. You must complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Credit Card, PayPal, or Google Wallet to use our furry and adorable coupon. Finally, the code can only be used once and will expire on Sunday the 1st of December at midnight PST. Now let’s all raise our Martini glasses and give a toast to one of the good ones who taught us the importance of reading, drinking during the day, and loving whatever leg you choose.
**Super Fine PayPal Fine Print: To activate the $10 offer, click on any restaurant in the PayPal app and tap the “Save to PayPal” button. The discount will be applied automatically when you complete an Eat24 order of $10 or more and pay with the PayPal app. One per user (sorry hackers). Offer expires 12/1 at 11:59 EST. That’s all. We’ll let you get back to arm wrestling grandpas for the Special Edition boxed set of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Weekend Coupon: Missed Burrito Connection

craigslist_pizza

Craigslist, you’re doing it wrong

Finding an apartment is the worst. So many things to consider, right? Rent, neighborhood, proximity to water slide parks… WRONG. When you go to an open house, there’s only one question you need to ask: How many Eat24 restaurants deliver to this address? In fact, this is info you need to know BEFORE you waste time looking at a place. Even if an apartment has a self-unloading dishwasher and 17 closets, it’s totally useless if you can’t fill those closets with spring rolls you ordered for delivery, just because you can.

TL;DR: Craigslist needs to step up its game and add an Eat24 search option. Seriously, why is this not already a thing?

Thanks for making it through our house hunting rant. Here, have a coupon* :) And if you recently moved to an area we don’t cover (where the hell is that?), try not to panic. It will only make you hungrier.

Coupon Code:

craig24

Coupons expire but our love for you never does. Need another? Just ask us on Facebook or Twitter.

Hungry? Order now

Want to double up? Use Google Wallet at checkout and get an extra special discount**. Don’t have Google Wallet?! No prob. Tweet this “Hey @eat24 I don’t have @GoogleWallet yet so just give me a damn coupon.” No Twitter? Post it on our Facebook wall.

You’re the special edition holiday flavor to our favorite candy.

Bon appetit,
Eat24

*Before we get to the real fine print, can you please help us find this guy’s lost love? Missed Connection: 11/20 – Subway Soulmate – m4b. Hi. I saw you riding the F train on Wednesday. You were with someone (though he seemed like he was only into you for your sauce). You were heaven in a sesame bun. I wanted to say something, but your bacon was so crispy and tender that I was too intimidated to approach you. The way your cheese melted over you, delicately covering your all beef patty…Well I haven’t stopped thinking about you since then. Are you reading this? Please tell me you’re reading this. I’ll treat you right. I have fries. Now, while we talk to Hollywood about turning this into the next big romcom (starring Channing Tatum hopefully), let’s talk Fine Print: You have to be an Eat24 member to use this $2 code (but signing up is easier than finding someone to buy your old treadmill). Coupons can only be used at restaurants that accept coupon codes (chill, there are over 25,000 nationwide, so you never have to settle for room temperature Hot Pockets from the Foreman grill that your landlord thinks qualifies as a “kitchenette”). Also, don’t just get a “gently used” pizza from some guy in a van. You must complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Credit Card or PayPal to use our extremely available coupon. Finally, the code can only be used once and will be flagged for removal on Sunday the 24th of November at midnight PST. Now hop online and hook up with a burger tonight. Just remember to use protection and bring extra condiments.
**Super Fine Google Wallet Fine Print: You must be an Eat24 member with Version 2.4.2 of the Eat24 app on Android 2.2 or higher to get $5 off your Eat24 order. The discount will be applied automatically when you complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Google Wallet on the Eat24 app. One per user (sorry hackers). Offer expires 12/31 or while supplies last. That’s all. We’ll let you get back to online ugly sweater shopping. Enjoy.

Let Google Buy You Some Fries

AndroidFoundry-Wallpaper_template

No Pants. No Problem.
Hi, it’s Eat24. We are not creepily stalking your inbox. We just thought you might like to know that the Eat24 Android app now supports Google Wallet. That’s right! One less reason to wear pants.Even better news: You get $5 off* your Eat24 order when you use Google Wallet to checkout as a gift from us and our BFFs Google (Who loves ya baby?). That’s like free egg rolls, or tacos, or a piece of cake. Mmm cake… Thank us later.Important detail: You have to have the latest version of our app to enjoy this delicious offer. Update your Eat24 Android app with Google Wallet and upgrade your life.

Get the App

You’re the cheese on our nachos.
Enjoy,
Eat24

*You’re probably thinking, “Hey Eat24, I like your No Pants policy, but where do I keep my phone?!” Well, we don’t know the answer to that one, but we do know this: You have to be an Eat24 member with Version 2.4.2 of the Eat24 app on Android 2.2. or higher to use this super sweet deal. Don’t worry, signing up and installing is easier than coming to terms with the fact that the robot takeover is near. The discount will be applied automatically when you complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Google Wallet on the Eat24 app. Just click the “Buy with Google” button at checkout and BOOM. Now you’re only ever 2 clicks away from Waffle Nacho Cheese Fries. Easy peasy. OK now settle down, we’re almost done. The discount can only be used once, and will expire on 12/31 or while supplies last. That’s all. If you’re still reading this because you already placed your order and now you’re just killing time ’til the food gets there, we have to ask, why? The Internet is waiting for you, and baby sloth dunk cam videos don’t watch themselves.

Ask Eat24: Dating Advice for Taco Lovers

 askeat24

In case you didn’t know, our pimp hand is strong. With the ladies, with the gentleman, with the inflatable pool toys we keep in our kitchen. We’ve got the moves that make the living and the inanimate swoon. The best part? We want to help you bring your pimp hand to a higher level. So send us your questions. We’ll draw diagrams if needed.

 

Dear Eat24,

I went out on a date with someone and told a giant lie. My date was a highly driven entrepreneur, so I said I was a Senior Engineer at a big tech company. In reality, I work for a Mexican restaurant. Should I tell my date the truth?

Told an Outright Falsehood, Unfortunately

<fact>Burrito engineers output burritos. Computer engineers output firmware. Burritos are delicious, firmware is not. </fact>

Dear TOFU,

Go on another date and complain how your day was really stressful.  We aren’t computer magicians, but we know the sorts of things they say when their spells don’t work. So repeat after us: “A data merge was hindered by architectural issues and now the API timeline is delayed.” Then sigh, order a lot of sushi, and make a joke about being a stress eater.

catmagician

Up to 75% of programmers are actually magical cats.

A week later, invite your date over for some guacamole and tortilla chips. When your date begins eating, lower your voice and confess your lie to the symphony of crunches. They will ask you to repeat yourself.  Tell them you’re writing a novel full-time now and couldn’t be happier.  When they ask, “What about engineering?” respond by saying “What about it? It’s boring. Let’s never discuss it again!”

Wa-la! Problem solved. Please invite us to the wedding. We love free food!

Love,

Eat24

 

Dear Eat24,

I’ve been dating this woman for a year and want to ask her to move in with me. The thing is, I’m a little nervous she’ll say no. I want to send out some “feelers” before I actually ask. Can you help me?

Tips Appreciated, Considerably Overwhelmed

 

donutpack

Lift with your mouth.

Dear TACO,

We definitely understand what it’s like to be a giant ball of nerves. We were a wreck when we thought they might discontinue Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. But they didn’t, and our life has been getting better ever since.

cheetodesk

The Great Cheeto Meltdown of 2011

Start by asking what she’d think of mixing her spices with yours. Just a word of caution though: Do not get sexy after mixing your spices–cayenne can cause problems. Similarly, you can ask if she minds if you leave your hand-blender in her mixing bowl. Sweeten the deal by offering to make her some soup. Ladies love soup.  If you’re feeling bold, ask her how she’d feel about you splashing your milk all over her Cheerios each morning.

soup

Mind=Blown

Once you’re feeling a little more confident, you can try anthropomorphizing items around the house. For instance, say, “Gosh, it seems like your butter rolls really like cuddling with my jam,” then laugh uncomfortably and say, “Maybe they should move in together.”

Whatever you do though, don’t tell her you want your carrots to rot in her fridge. That’s not romantic at all! Let us know when the housewarming party is!

 

Love,

Eat24

 

Dear Eat24,

I started talking with someone online recently and am finally going to meet them in person next week. I’m a little nervous about meeting someone from the internet and want to make sure this person isn’t a psycho. Can you help me think of some creative ‘get to know you’ questions?

Bored, Lonely, & Tense

datingeat24

We’d love to take you home.

Dear BLT,

We’ve been on a lot of dates and know how awkward they can be, especially when you’re a royal we and keep ending up on dates with pronoun-normative people (those #$*&%@ at eHarmony are so closed-minded). Anyway, enough about our problems. Here’s a quick guide to help you out!

 

To find out your date’s political beliefs, you can ask things like:

  • Do you think taco-copters should be highly regulated or are you of the opinion that tacos belong to the people?
  • If someone orders cheese fries, do you redistribute the cheese to evenly cover all the fries or do you quickly grab all the cheesy deliciousness before anyone else can?
tacos

“Mommy, where do tacos come from?”

If you want to know how kinky your date is, ask:

  • If I wanted to bring another spatula into the kitchen, would you be cool with that or do you think one spatula is enough?
  • If I asked you to whisper dirty things in my ear, would you say ‘eggs with ketchup’ or ‘pineapple on pizza’?
eggs

Some things are too dirty to post, even for us.

That should help you determine whether you and your date are compatible! Be sure to text us after your date. We love saucy deets!

Love,

Eat24

 

Have questions about upping your pimp game? To paraphrase JLo, our love advice don’t cost a thing. Hit us up on Facebook or holler at us on Twitter.  

How to Advertise on a Porn Website

Eat24 porn banner ad - BLT with your BDSM

Driving Conversions on a Budget: Eat24’s All Natural Ad Enhancement

Hi, we’re Eat24. If you already know us – hey sexy, welcome back, looking good. If you’re new, let’s catch you up: Eat24 is the Internet’s favorite food delivery app and website. The first rule of Eat24 Club used to be “don’t talk about Eat24 Club,” but that  turned out to be a terrible marketing strategy.

Anyway, we like to do things differently around here. Very differently. When it comes to spreading our brand message, we usually take the road less travelled.  This is one road we want to share with you, a road that took us where no marketing team has gone before. Well, at least not without clearing their browser history afterward.

The Problem: Conversion Rate. Want Bigger?

When we start a new marketing campaign, one of our main goals is to maximize ROI without dipping into our hair gel fund (because priorities).  Since Eat24 is a privately held company that has accepted exactly $0 in VC funding to date, we don’t really like throwing piles of cash at huge traditional media campaigns. We prefer to be smart with our money, which is why we have to come up with creative and unique marketing strategies to fit our budget and brand. It’s an eternal quest to find the perfect ad platform with really high traffic, and dirt cheap inventory. Basically, a unicorn.

The Solution: Porn, the Internet’s Unicorn

PORN. Porn is the answer!

Honestly, we should’ve seen this one coming. Some of our heaviest users and biggest fans on social media just happen to be porn stars. Like, actual real-life porn stars. Tera Patrick, Daisy Lynn, Andy San Dimas and Tara Lynn Foxx to name a few. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. They enjoy a life without pants and are constantly working up a huge appetite. Eat24 and porn stars are a match made in sexy heaven! They use us in just the way we like to be used, and we always leave them full and satisfied. Observe:

 

 

 

 

So this got us thinking about porn websites. Are they a good place for us to advertise? Will we hit our target audience? Can we afford it? And why is everyone always shaking their head at us when we bring it up?

We decided to seriously look into it and what we found was boobs. A lot of them. But, we also found an advertising gold mine. We always assumed that a lot of people love porn, but when you look at the numbers, the proof is in the hot tub full of pudding. A whopping 30% of ALL web traffic is dedicated to adult sites. In fact, by the time you’re done reading this sentence, about 197,806 people have looked at porn on the Internet (including you. We see that incognito tab).

Eat24 porn fun facts

So where does America like to spend its time on the Internet? We took a closer look at the top websites by traffic in the United States. Leading the charts are Google, Facebook and YouTube. Duh. No news there. Moving down the list, we couldn’t help but notice that many of the top 100 sites in the US are pornographic. If the Internet was a pie, porn’s slice would be the girth-y.

Eat24 US websites ranked by traffic

Considering these numbers, you’d think it’d be pretty expensive to shove your brand message in the face of such a large, captive audience. Right? It probably costs an arm and a third leg, right? Wrong!

We compared our average CPM across major ad publishers such as Google, Twitter and Facebook and found we could get more impressions via porn sites than the big three combined, and at roughly 1/10th of the cost (!) High traffic sites with cheap ad space?? Did we just see a unicorn?

Eat24 porn web banner ads - cost per impression

If you ever take two seconds out of your naughty time to glance at the ads on porn sites, you’ll notice that 99% of them are for more porn. It’s a world where no one besides male enhancement pills and adult friend finders have dared to go. Not a single mainstream brand advertising there. We could be that 1%.

The evidence was in. Porn advertising is an untapped market, and our mission was clear:

Tap. Dat. Ass.

Strategy: Me So Horngry

Our challenge with designing banner ads for porn sites was our competition, porn itself. We needed to create something eye catching enough to make someone stop what they’re doing (watching porn) and say, “You know what? Yes. I AM going to be hungry in 3-5 minutes. I better order delivery.” Not an easy task.

As Sun Tzu said, “know your enemy.” So we rolled up our sleeves (or in some cases, removed our clothes entirely) and conducted countless hours of research over long sleepless nights to familiarize ourselves with the ads we would be competing against.

At first glance, you can barely differentiate the ad content from the site content. Almost all of the existing banners were just more porn. The rest were for male enhancement pills, tips on how to please a woman, and finding hot local singles near you. The one thing they all had in common was crappiness. It was like a teenage boy travelled back to 1996 to create banner ads in MS Paint.

Horse penis enlargement ad

P.S. This is a real ad

Even if we wanted to look to our big brand marketing peers for inspiration (which we obviously don’t because Hi we’re here writing a case study about pornography. Welcome. So nice of you to join us), we couldn’t. In all the porn site banner ads we saw, not a single non-adult brand was to be found. Not one. We were in uncharted waters. Clearly it was our responsibility to be the trailblazers, which is perfect because we love to blaze.

Types of companies who advertise on porn sites pie chart

What followed was probably the longest and most excited brainstorming session we’ve ever had. Our dirty little minds, which are typically restrained by “society” and its “morals” were suddenly free to wander into the x-rated corners of our brains. Not only were dick jokes accepted, they were encouraged! We couldn’t write our ideas down fast enough.

We wanted to make a connection between the pleasure you feel when eating a bacon double cheeseburger, and the pleasure of having sex. Everyone knows nothing makes people want to order food more than pictures of food, but we had to be careful with our dish selection. The sight of a seductive salmon skin roll next to a naughty nurse video might enhance the whole experience, while a hearty plate of chicken tikka masala might turn you off entirely, except in certain fetish categories. We need food that puts you in the mood.

So we started by hitting one of our favorite stock photo sites and typing “Food and sex” into the search bar. What we got were 6 (SIX!) pages of women doing very provocative things to bananas.

Stock photos of women doing sexy stuff to bananas

Since we are not a banana delivery service, we had to dig a little deeper. It was time to ask ourselves the hard, throbbing questions:

How can we compete with a 15-inch shlong?

Eat24 porn banner ad - sandwich wants to be inside you

How can we compete with girl-on-girl action?

Eat24 porn banner ad - eat me sushi

How can we compete with self-love videos?

Eat24 porn  banner ad - wash your hands before you eat

The answer to all of these questions is: we can’t. And more importantly, we shouldn’t. We’re trying to catch eyeballs and drive clicks. Our ads should not blend in with their surroundings, they should stand out.

We unleashed our inner horndogs and turned our ideas into pixels. As for images, we got sexy stuff, delicious stuff, weird stuff, and WTF stuff. Then we whipped out some appropriate tag lines… blended, buttered, tenderized, and simmered until thick and tender. Enjoy.

Eat24 porn banner ads

The Monkey on our Back:

Everything was set. All our ads were perfectly composed; bright, shiny, and appropriately dirty. We couldn’t wait to unleash them upon unsuspecting porn enthusiasts across the country. If we clicked the “Upload” button any harder, we would’ve broken some furniture.  But then this happened:

Eat24 porn banner - rejected ad

OK, we didn’t see this one coming. Monkey not permitted? This cute little guy!? He was our favorite! We called our porn ad publisher’s tech support hotline to try and figure out why they didn’t like our monkey. They didn’t really give us a detailed answer, but let’s just say that the association of animals and sexual activities is frowned upon in most places.

That part makes sense, but we were still a bit confused. Funny story: during our research, we came across several banners featuring a horse with extremely large genitalia advertising a pill that results in the customer being hung like said animal (see above).

So horses are OK, but monkeys are not. Cats and dogs are also a no-no (we checked).  What about other members of the animal kingdom? Lemurs? Sloths? Those goldfish you win at carnivals? We plan to launch a full-scale investigation with our next porn campaign, but until then, consider this our official findings on the matter:

Eat24 porn banner ads - acceptable animals

Where Should We Stick It?

Finally, with Monkeygate 2013 behind us, our ads were all approved. It was time to decide on their placement. We did a little AB testing with the locations we assumed would get the most traffic. The first place we stuck it was right on the homepage.

Eat24 porn banner ad on Pornhub

We also stuck it on video landing pages.

Eat24 porn banner ad - sandwich wants to be inside you

Our test quickly revealed that five times as many people clicked our banner when it was placed next to the video itself. FIVE times! We assume this is due to the fact that people landing on the homepage of a porn site only have one thing on their minds, and it’s not double stuffed burritos. They want to get down and dirty ASAP. Once users find a video that really butters their biscuit, they stay for a while. Even if their focus is on what’s happening in the larger screen, subliminally, they’re thinking about sandwiches. Plus, after they’re done with the video, they’ve worked up an appetite. It’s the perfect time to remind them to wash their hands and order a large pizza with extra bacon for delivery.

Long Hard Results

No matter what metric you want to use to define success, our campaign kicked ass all the way across the board. Impressions? Our porn banner ads saw three times the impressions of ads we ran on Google, Twitter and Facebook combined. Click through? Tens of thousands of horngry Americans clicked our ads. Yeah, but did they convert? Psshhh, please. We saw a huge spike in orders and app downloads during the time our ads were live, especially late at night when that insatiable desire for DP (double pepperoni) is at its most intense.

Did we mention the cost? We did? Well, it bears repeating. We were able to achieve the stellar metrics mentioned above all for the low low price of 90% less than what the big guys charge per 1,000 impressions. That’s right, we saved 90%. Nine zero.

With such a low CPM, we were able to maintain a firm and healthy budget for weeks. On other platforms (especially Facebook), we blew through our media spend in a matter of minutes (never happened to us before baby, we swear).

The general consensus is that it’s more expensive to acquire new customers than retain existing ones, but of course, that’s just another convention flipped right on its ass by porn. Of the total traffic generated by our ads, over 90% were first-time visitors to Eat24.com. We were reaching an almost entirely new market. Our porn banners were generating new customers cheaply. And guess what? They were coming back too (they always come back).  New customer retention on porn banners was four times higher than that of our Facebook ads.

Was It Good For You?

What about good ol’ qualitative feedback? To be honest, we didn’t think we’d get much response because we didn’t think anyone would be willing to admit that they saw our ads, or where they saw them. We love being wrong!

The initial feedback came from our client rep Jen (Hi Jen!) at Traffic Junky who emailed us a love note after uploading our banners to their platform:

“I just wanted to say that your ads on our network are AMAZING! I love them. I hope yours do REALLY well because they’re my favorite that I’ve seen so far.”

Once the banners went live, of course Reddit was the first to notice them. Our ads caught the attention of a Redditor (conducting his own research for scholarly purposes, obviously) who was brave enough to share his discovery with the Advertising subreddit. A flurry of upvotes and witty comments landed the Eat24 porn ads on the front page of /r/Advertising. Yeah baby! We’re Reddit famous!

A few of our Twitter friends noticed too.

 

Even Buzzfeed had the balls to mention our ads (they took the screenshots “for a friend”):

Buzzfeed - How to Advertise on a Porn Website

So yeah. Success, we haz it.

NSFWhat We Learned

If you love sex, food, and colorful charts – you’ve come to the right section of this case study! We’re only a few weeks into our adventures in advertising on adult sites, and we’ve discovered a few things we never knew about people and their porn and eating habits. What we found might surprise you (Or maybe it’ll turn you on). Among the surprising, weird and sensual findings we’ll show you are:

  • Chicago is the horniest city in the United States.
  • New Yorkers watch a lot of porn on their lunch break.
  • 24-hour blow-up doll delivery is a billion dollar idea.

Let’s just dive right in, shall we? When we took a look at the cumulative click-through rate across all our ads broken down by city, we found that Chicago is by far the horngriest (horny + hungry). Good job, guys! Try not to hurt yourselves. This could mean that Chicago watches more porn, but a recent Pornhub study suggests otherwise. Maybe, more so than the rest of the country, Chicago just prefers a post-fap fajita over a cigarette.

Eat24's Top 5 Horny and Hungry Cities in America

Another interesting phenomenon we discovered is that New Yorkers like to get naughty at noon. Compared to other cities, the click-through rate and orders at lunchtime in New York were more than double that of any other city. This explains why they’re always so eager to end our mid-day conference calls.

Almost as shocking as New York’s desire for afternoon delights is Houston’s appetite for a morning quickie. Our banners served in the Houston area saw a surprisingly high click-through rate during or just before breakfast time. Those Texans really know how to start the day off right.

If you’re seeking horny night owls (whoops, sorry owls) look no further than Baltimore and Washington D.C., where the highest click-through rate and spike in orders occurred between midnight and 2 AM. Take it easy you guys. Try to get some sleep.

What Time of Day are US Cities Hungry and Horny

Now that we know when different cities like to enjoy their adult alone time, what about their top horny food preferences? And no, fish tacos did not make the list, but nice try. According to our database, these are the most ordered items in each city after a user clicks one of our ads:

Delivery Food US Cities Order When They're Horny

Perhaps it’s not too surprising that “Fuck Pants” was the most popular banner overall. People couldn’t seem to stop clicking it. We think they were just trying to get a closer look at the panties. Next in line was “BLT,” but it’s hard to say if it was the bacon or the “BDSM” that made this ad so clickable.

“Wash Your Hands” saw decent clicks, but almost no conversions. A quick analysis of our customer support chat logs revealed that most people who came to Eat24 after clicking this ad were expecting to find a blow-up doll delivery service. So… FYI Silicon Valley entrepreneurs, if you’re looking for a new startup idea, the market for 24-hour online sex toy ordering is wide open.

Eat24 most clicked porn site banner ads

So maybe dolls and sandwich innuendo don’t necessarily make people hungry, but you know what does? Sexy videos, apparently! We assumed that most porn viewers would be single (for obvious reasons), and thus their orders would be pretty small: a burger, a personal pizza, one carton of chicken chow mein, whatever. We figured the average order total for our incoming porn customers would be low. Nope! They spent even more than our site average. What’s going on?! We had to look deeper. Turns out that over 90% of porn watchers were ordering a complete meal – appetizer (foreplay), main course, drink (to rehydrate), and dessert. Apparently porn increases metabolism. Or maybe these people aren’t alone. Maybe they’re all having mini-orgies and we’re the caterer. Either way… SWEET!

Happy Endings

So what did we learn? America, y’all are a bunch of horny toads (sorry toads), and we love you for it. We didn’t even think it was possible to love you any more than we already do. Wrong again.

Has the campaign been successful? Fuck yes! We gained all sorts of practical wisdom, such as the fact that porn-viewing might be an acceptable replacement for cardio, and if the object of your desire lives in Seattle, the way in to his or her pants is Pad Thai.

There were business benefits to be had as well. Not only did we drive tons of clicks and app downloads, we were able to reach a whole new market affordably and efficiently.

Our porn ads are still running, which means more satisfied Eat24 customers every day. If this is you, welcome to #NoPantsNation! We think you’ll feel right at home.

If you read this entire thing (TL;DR) and you still haven’t tried the #1 online food ordering service among horngry people nationwide, what are you waiting for?! Tap Dat App, baby!

Sources:

Weekend Coupon: OMG! BFF! LOL!

PBJ_Eat24_PayPal

Guess what.

You’ll never believe what happened to us at Burning Man. Check this out – we were chilling inside a giant rubber ducky when someone passed us a magic Cronut… then everything got really shiny, and the next thing we knew we were dancing next to a beautiful naked stranger.

From the moment they stepped down off their glow-in-the-dark Segway and asked to share our hula hoop, we knew this was going to be something special. One thing lead to another, our 1’s and 0’s intertwined, and now Eat24 is all up in the PayPal app.

That’s right! PayPal app users can now order from Eat24 restaurants and pay with PayPal right from the app, because we believe No Wallet and No Pants is the future (you’ll still need to figure out where to keep your phone though).

Moral of the story: anything is possible when you get weird in the desert. It also makes you really thirsty, so enter this Coupon Code at checkout for a free drink* this weekend.

Coupon code:

PayPal24

Coupons expire, but our love for you is everlasting. Need another? Just ask us on Facebook or Twitter.

Place an Order Now!

You’re the tiger stripes on our fuzzy cowboy boots.

Enjoy,
Eat24

*We’ll get to the Fine Print, but first let us serenade you with a song we made up when we wandered into a drum circle last weekend. BAAAAAA dum ba-da-da dum ba-da-da dum ba-da-da dum ba-da-da dum ba-da-da dum ba-da-da pizza eggroll cheesecake waffle brrrrrap BRRRAAPP deeeeee BOP tap tap tap BRAAAAHHH BRRAAAAHHHH ba ba-ba EMPANADAAA….OK, Fine Print: You have to be an Eat24 member to use this $2 coupon (but signing up is easier than gyrating to ambient space disco on top of a moving art car). Coupons can be redeemed on Eat24.com or the Eat24 app and only at… (surprise!) restaurants that accept coupon codes (relax, there are over 25,000 of them nationwide). Also, don’t just fool around with a side order of panko crust; you must complete an order of $10 or more and pay with Credit Card or PayPal to use our spiritually enlightened coupon. Finally, the code can only be used once, and will expire on the 8th of September at midnight PST. There, you’re done here. Now hurry up and place an order before all the lawyers we met on the playa come back to their senses and make up even more rules.