In case you didn’t know, our pimp hand is strong. With the ladies, with the gentleman, with the inflatable pool toys we keep in our kitchen. We’ve got the moves that make the living and the inanimate swoon. The best part? We want to help you bring your pimp hand to a higher level. So send us your questions. We’ll draw diagrams if needed.
I went out on a date with someone and told a giant lie. My date was a highly driven entrepreneur, so I said I was a Senior Engineer at a big tech company. In reality, I work for a Mexican restaurant. Should I tell my date the truth?
Told an Outright Falsehood, Unfortunately
<fact>Burrito engineers output burritos. Computer engineers output firmware. Burritos are delicious, firmware is not. </fact>
Go on another date and complain how your day was really stressful. We aren’t computer magicians, but we know the sorts of things they say when their spells don’t work. So repeat after us: “A data merge was hindered by architectural issues and now the API timeline is delayed.” Then sigh, order a lot of sushi, and make a joke about being a stress eater.
Up to 75% of programmers are actually magical cats.
A week later, invite your date over for some guacamole and tortilla chips. When your date begins eating, lower your voice and confess your lie to the symphony of crunches. They will ask you to repeat yourself. Tell them you’re writing a novel full-time now and couldn’t be happier. When they ask, “What about engineering?” respond by saying “What about it? It’s boring. Let’s never discuss it again!”
Wa-la! Problem solved. Please invite us to the wedding. We love free food!
I’ve been dating this woman for a year and want to ask her to move in with me. The thing is, I’m a little nervous she’ll say no. I want to send out some “feelers” before I actually ask. Can you help me?
Tips Appreciated, Considerably Overwhelmed
Lift with your mouth.
We definitely understand what it’s like to be a giant ball of nerves. We were a wreck when we thought they might discontinue Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. But they didn’t, and our life has been getting better ever since.
The Great Cheeto Meltdown of 2011
Start by asking what she’d think of mixing her spices with yours. Just a word of caution though: Do not get sexy after mixing your spices–cayenne can cause problems. Similarly, you can ask if she minds if you leave your hand-blender in her mixing bowl. Sweeten the deal by offering to make her some soup. Ladies love soup. If you’re feeling bold, ask her how she’d feel about you splashing your milk all over her Cheerios each morning.
Once you’re feeling a little more confident, you can try anthropomorphizing items around the house. For instance, say, “Gosh, it seems like your butter rolls really like cuddling with my jam,” then laugh uncomfortably and say, “Maybe they should move in together.”
Whatever you do though, don’t tell her you want your carrots to rot in her fridge. That’s not romantic at all! Let us know when the housewarming party is!
I started talking with someone online recently and am finally going to meet them in person next week. I’m a little nervous about meeting someone from the internet and want to make sure this person isn’t a psycho. Can you help me think of some creative ‘get to know you’ questions?
Bored, Lonely, & Tense
We’d love to take you home.
We’ve been on a lot of dates and know how awkward they can be, especially when you’re a royal we and keep ending up on dates with pronoun-normative people (those #$*&%@ at eHarmony are so closed-minded). Anyway, enough about our problems. Here’s a quick guide to help you out!
To find out your date’s political beliefs, you can ask things like:
- Do you think taco-copters should be highly regulated or are you of the opinion that tacos belong to the people?
- If someone orders cheese fries, do you redistribute the cheese to evenly cover all the fries or do you quickly grab all the cheesy deliciousness before anyone else can?
“Mommy, where do tacos come from?”
If you want to know how kinky your date is, ask:
- If I wanted to bring another spatula into the kitchen, would you be cool with that or do you think one spatula is enough?
- If I asked you to whisper dirty things in my ear, would you say ‘eggs with ketchup’ or ‘pineapple on pizza’?
Some things are too dirty to post, even for us.
That should help you determine whether you and your date are compatible! Be sure to text us after your date. We love saucy deets!
Have questions about upping your pimp game? To paraphrase JLo, our love advice don’t cost a thing. Hit us up on Facebook or holler at us on Twitter.